A Letter From a Broken, Heavy Heart. How to Take all The Blame.

I know this is it, even though I’m not entirely sure on how we got here. I know we fought a lot, and I know it was me a lot of the time. I feel it was lack of trying and maybe we moved to fast. But there are things I need to say because I don’t think I would be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least attempt to say them. I know your feelings are gone, but remember, I never asked for you, I never wanted to feel strong enough for someone to want to be with them. So please understand why I’m having such a hard time letting go of this.

There are things about me I wish I could make sense to you, but I can’t. They don’t even make sense to me. I know I’ve been unhappy. Between my father and worrying about an apartment I kind of let myself go. I got so caught up in my sadness, I didn’t realize I was taking for granted what did make me happy. I let it cripple me. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated you and for that I am so sorry. The truth is, you scared me a little bit. I’ve never felt for anyone the way I do you. And it terrifies me to think I’ll stop fighting and give up on you and never feel this way for anyone ever again. It scares the shit out of me. And I guess that makes me some what of a coward. But I want to look back on this and be able to say I’m proud of myself for fighting for at least one thing I wanted in my life.

I don’t regret saying yes to you. I’m going to try like hell, but I can’t. You were my favorite, and I’m sorry for what ever I did to make your feelings for me change. If I could take back the times we fought or the times I was quiet, I would. I would take it all back, because the good with you always out-weighed the bad.

I know you said it didn’t feel the same anymore and that was my fault. I never noticed until now, you were trying and I wasn’t. There was never a time I wasn’t excited to see you, never. I just stopped showing it. I didn’t want to look like the fool with more feelings than you.

I know you probably stopped reading this half way through, if you’ve even started it. But you were my best friend. I couldn’t wait to get home and tell you how my day was, or what I did. And now there’s so many things I think about how excited I’d be to tell you.

I never meant to push you away. I miss you everyday, and probably will for a while. I’m scared this is ending because of the way I’ve been acting and I hate myself for that, because that’s not how I really am. I don’t want to regret not doing something to fight for you. I just needed closure for myself, so here it is. I’m so grateful for meeting you, and for what we had. I hope at some point we can be friends. You mean to much to me to not be in my life completely, but that is all up to you.

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