Do you remember the time I told you ‘I love you?’ Didn’t think so. That’s because I waited until you were heavily intoxicated to the point that if you didn’t feel the same way, you wouldn’t remember it anyway. And even then, I found difficulty in choking the words out. Of course, after that night, it all began falling apart. That is where I see we were coming to the end of our road together, even if it was months after that that we broke up. I was fighting what I thought was the good fight. But in all reality, I was just setting myself up for the inevitably long fall back down to earth.
When they say that somethings are too good to be true, it’s not a lie. What goes up, must come down. And what comes together, eventually falls apart.
That was over a year ago, but even to this day, I would still back those words up. However, never out loud. There is no way to explain why I could never actually let you know this, even when we were together. I guess that goes back to why you’d never understand me (at least not to the level you think you do or think you would want to. It’s safer being on the other side anyway). We have two completely different lives, and the only lap of them that cross is the year we spent together. But even that wasn’t enough for my insecurities to check out. They slowly began eating me alive. The longer we stayed together, the more they filled me. And for the sake of being content with the fact of just having you, never found me much contentment in the end anyway. The thought of being more invested than you, scared the shit out of me, which in turn drove more distance between us.
I didn’t love you in that favorite color kind of way, or even my favorite sweater way. You were, above all, my favorite of everything. Shouldn’t that have been enough to swallow my pride and let you take me in? Now that I’ve spent a good time without you (and not that that hasn’t been torturous enough), I can’t help but wonder if I confused my love for you with the loneliness I’ve held so dear.
Just as anything else, each day holds it’s own struggle. Take yesterday for example. I got through the day thinking, if given the chance, I would tell you where exactly I think you should go (to hell if that wasn’t clear enough). I’ve gotten this far without you, I sure as hell am not turning back now. And then there’s today. I could never tell you I don’t want you, or that I don’t need you. And it’s not so much of a need as it is a yearn; an ache; a hole. Please come back. Figure your shit out and get it together because I’m waiting not so patiently.
Pathetic, I know. Human, I know. No one can tell me they’ve never been at this stage before. And if you haven’t, you’re of the lucky few. This is bare-bone, raw, to the core, weakness. Not my best outfit, for sure. And definitely not anything I would ever admit to.
Or perhaps I still feel this connection to you because you left me before I could leave you. I’m about 100% sure that’s not it. Just 100% though. We all know my abandonment issues could fill an entire zip code. Sorry for the lack of a warning.
And all in all, when it comes down to the bottom line and all excuses aside, I do love you. I don’t understand the ins and outs, just as I’m sure no one else would either. But I do and with all hopes in it dying soon. Very soon.