I know this is me being petty, immature if you will. And I don’t mean immature in the sense that I’m seeming as a 12 year old. I just mean, anything I’m about to state in this post is illogical. Or maybe not, take it as you will.
I spend that time, right before I fall asleep each night, thinking about what I try so hard to stay busy enough during the day to forget (down time really is my worst enemy. Well I mean, out-side of my head). I wont go into every little thing that builds a wall between sleep and I. (Bare with me, I haven’t had my coffee yet this morning.) Because really, when my mind is going a million miles an hour, sleep is put on the back burner; not by choice might I add.
Anyway, really what I’m trying to get at is; I can’t pin-point an actual reason for my homesickness. And being the type of person that has to have meaning and reason in everything, this tends to cause some conflict in my head. Yes, of course there is the fact I miss my mother and my friends. Point A. However, even if I stayed home, everyone else is moving on. Why the hell can’t I just move on? Can you be homesick for a person? Perhaps it’s not home at all. Perhaps it’s just my past memories that I want to go back to. Point B. Which seems completely absurd to me. I, better than anyone, know you can never go ‘home.’ Home ages, just as any of us. Time leaves no one behind.
Not to mention, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that every place I’ve ever visited, ever traveled to, has left a bit of homesickness in me. This of course, is because I’ve left behind pieces of me and picked up pieces of that place to fill the void. So it’s completely understandable why ‘home’ has taken so much of me, and leaving that behind means Portland has some big shoes to fill.
So here it is, note to self; Jess, stay put. Love the life you have and the life you had. Let go and continue on. Learn to live again. What’s gone for now, could be what’s gone for good. Don’t wait around for anything. And in the light of that which will return, be ready. But be ready if it doesn’t. Stay on your toes and hold no other accountable for your own actions and your own feelings. Things can only matter if you let them, and life will give you staples to hold down your memories, and nails to build new ones. It’s all go forward from here. So, let go.