Remember that night the sky was so clear we could see all the stars? We were just getting home from dinner with my mom and I asked if we could sit out and star gaze. You agreed graciously, as you always did and went inside to get us a blanket. You spread it out in your truck bed and we laid together, looking up. It was so cold I could see your breath, I could see my breath and it chilled to the bone. And I was afraid of the dark. But I never told you that. You wrapped me in your arms to share your body heat, something I was so grateful for. I still shivered and you squeezed me tighter and that was enough to make the cold forgettable.
The sky was beautiful, smeared with black satin. Cloudless with which the stars hung so effortlessly. They were so bright, they lit the fields of distance from the world surrounding us. And then there was just enough light left over to cover your face. Your pale, smooth skin I always pictured our kids would have. A thought I also never told you. ‘Penny for your thoughts.’ You just looked at me with your adoring eyes I miss so much and said, ‘you’ as your hand found my face and as if you were brushing something from my cheek, you graced my skin with your touch. I loved you so much in that moment. But I never told you that either. It filled me with so much fear. I was losing myself in you and I didn’t know how to be okay with that. You will always be the string my heart hangs from in my chest. The cord I’ll never unplug, even if you’ve already turned the power out.
I will grow old in this memory and the thought that I will never know your touch again. The thought that all I have to grasp now, is a memory that is soon to fade completely. And I will resent my mind everyday, for letting such a thing slip away. What will I have then? A pocket full of things I never told you and will never get to say.