I’ve turned these words over and over in my head, trying to perfect them. I could try to be casual, I could try to be sophisticated, but honestly, I’m just hoping this letter comes out better on this paper, then it is in my head.
How do I go about saying this, without sounding of everything I don’t want to be. Without showing you weakness. How do I begin, without fully exposing the screaming in my head, and to quietly attempt to stay composed. Well, here it is, my fall.
I can’t change what’s been done. I can’t fix it. I want to make a difference, and I’m sure the things I could throw into this hole are endless, but none of it changes it, or lessens the blow.
It’s an absurd thing, to listen to your own heart-break. But surprisingly, I couldn’t hear mine, over the sound of yours. I couldn’t stand the ache I was injecting you with, or the pure fact that my actions were the reason your heart crumbed the floor in pieces. I never meant to hurt you and it killed every piece of me to know I had. I don’t know how exactly I got into the situation I did the other night. I keep replaying it in my head and I just don’t understand it. I am in this with all my heart, and to have done something to make you question that, well, I’ll never be able to make up for it; to you, or myself. I was irresponsible.
This past weekend has helped me realize not everything is bent and broken and that the world isn’t just spinning around me. Things are complicated and things are simple and even the smallest of actions can send the dominoes falling. I’m used to going at this alone, and being the only one to face my actions consequences. I’m aware now, that I’m not the only one jumping the edge. But I’m working on going after what I want, instead of hiding from it. You’re not as temporary as I tried to make you in the beginning. You gradually started to slip into my thoughts. Sneaking up on me, until you became the last thing to cross my mind at night and the first in the morning. Even when I wasn’t in your bed. I was holding my breath, waiting for something to happen to me. Waiting for a chance to jump back into my life. And I found you, holding the door. I’ve evolved from that watered down version of myself and I’m done being careless.
I wont ask you to love me forever, because things unravel, fall apart, and people change. I’m a unfulfilled person with an eye on my past. What happens if I can’t let that go? What happens to us?
I want to be something for you. Anything. I’m losing time and I’m standing in the same place. I’m always standing in the same place. I want my restless past to go away and let you in. I want to know I’m better than I used to be. That I really can survive without all these brick walls around me. And that I can be a significant part of your happiness and you mine. I don’t want to make you drown. I want to believe that it is possible for me to give into you.
I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I wasn’t listening. I want to know everything. I want to know what you’re feeling and thinking, even if it’your ex. I know I blew up at you a while back about it all. I’m sorry for that. I’m filling a big position that I’m not entirely sure I’m fully qualified for. But I don’t want you to feel you have to keep that stuff to yourself. It was a big part of your life, and I want to know everything about you. I’m grateful for being entangled in such a person with insight into a heavy past.
You’re my light. And I’m going to fight to not let you go out. I may not always be my own biggest fan, but you ground me. You try so hard to reach me, and I fight it. It’s my own heart crippling me. I make things hard when you’re trying to help. I just need some time to tame what’s in me. I wont always feel like I’m the one worth leaving or that I’m the inadequate one. And I wont always keep you out.
For what it’s worth, you scare me. To think I held myself apart for so long and you so easily slipped the alarm. A boy who talks of a future. A boy who could be who brings about the end to everything I think and everything I’ve ever believed in. I don’t know what I’ll have, or what I’ll be without my sadness. Without a past as a rope to hold. If I leave it behind, begin to forget it, what keeps me from making the same mistakes? What keeps my head above the water?
Anyway, my point is, I don’t always know how I feel, or understand it really. I’m always lost, coming together, or falling apart. But for one thing I’m certain, how I feel about you, what you give me, and the spark you’ve ignited in me.