It’s so strange to think, even though I moved away and grew up, the life I knew that I left back in the dust, had continued on, on it’s own path. Absurd to me really, that life outside of my reach is still moving forward. The family, the friends. As a kid I always pictured when I walked out of a room, things just hit pause, until I returned. And as I grew up, I realized how completely and utterly foolish this thought was. But then again, the thought things happening else where, without my knowledge is just as senseless. The world is too big of a place for my mind to comprehend. I couldn’t grasp the concept. And even in my life as a “grown up” I still find myself coming back to this illogical thought.

And I always hear about someone going missing, see on tv the devastated people begging for a safe return. And it takes me back for a time, and then I continue on with what I was doing. Maybe I’ll think about it once or twice within my day and of course I take something away from it all. Of course I think, shit, maybe I should call MY sister, or maybe I should see how MY mother is doing. And within a couple of days it’ll completely slip my mind and I’ll be back into focus on my day-to-day routine.

I often find myself, during these times, completely absorbing myself in the ridiculous thought, that even though these people are missing, nothing is happening to them, until we find them. A toy on the shelf, waiting to be played with. And the day I got the phone call that my aunt had been missing for a week, well, that absurd, senseless, illogical thought shattered as every fear, every terror rushed into my head. You never really know the heartache, or the way your going to think, or feel, until it is happening to you.

I instantly grew out of that way of thinking. Even though she was missing, she’s still going on somewhere out there, away from our eyesight, our thoughts, our knowledge. And I was thrown into this realization. And as much as I had grown away from a childhood reasoning, I still felt like a child. There’s this thing happening, to someone I love and hold close, this thing I have no control over or really even understand.

They say to pray, and pray, and when you’re left with nothing else, you pray some more. But why? Why do we pray? What ever higher power it is you think you believe in, they’re going to make happen what they want to happen no matter what. No matter how much you pray. It is not in any of our hands, and it never was. It never will be. It’s hard being the one, left behind. The dark is always scarier than we think when we’re in the light. And the fact that she is ‘missing,’ well, really blew that light bulb.


One thought on “Saudade.

  1. When we pray from a place of fear, we put that fear out into the world and therefore into the situation that we’re holding to our hearts… does that create the outcome you want? Instead, step into a place of gratitude and love. See your aunt whole and healthy, see her finding her way home to you, hold her in this bubble of light and love… every day. And when a negative thought comes about, transform it and be steady, and you may find a more complete resolution.

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