As a Stranger, Looking in.

You never know when you meet someone, how significant they will be to your life. Your life just becomes the time before them, and the time after them. Black and white. After a bit of time, it’ll all get fuzzy, and you’ll begin to forget what it was like before them. What you were like before them. That is what it is like to completely lose yourself in someone. You never plan it, it just happens. It’s like, when things stay the same for the longest time, until everything is completely different. You blink, and nothing is familiar anymore.

There are few things in this world that are unexplainable. But they’re there. I believe that nothing ever happens by chance. Every step we take was predestined to bring us to where we are supposed to be. And we are programmed with the choices we will ultimately make or think we are making. That’s the funny thing about fate, is it leaves no one behind.

For instance, the connection of two people. That mutual spark that ignites seconds after your eyes meet. I was in my early 20’s and ready for life. I wanted to experience everything that the world had to offer. Most of all, I wanted love. I wanted to feel the ins and outs of completely giving my entire self to another. And then I found her and learned that love is drowning. Love is darkness.

No one’s ever quite sure, what it is in us that finally snaps. What it is that pushes us over the fine line to stop fighting. She was self-distructing right in front of my eyes and there wasn’t a damned thing I could do. She wouldn’t allow it. She carried the weight of the world on her shoulders and it’s been tied there so long, the rope’s began to bind together. I could feel myself slowly losing her. She was slipping through my fingers. The tighter I tried to hold on, the more she fell.

Why did fate have this plan for her? To entirely fall away, day after day. To slowly tear herself apart from the inside-out. And what was my plan? To helplessly watch. I tried to hold the string for her, tried to stop the unraveling. But fate had other plans.

I could feel everything in me shatter. And with every breath, the lump in my throat got larger and larger as the scream building up inside of me begged to be let out. I composed myself, for her sake, until I got through the door and like a bursting dam, everything I had been holding in spilled out and I found myself on the floor, feeling everything and nothing all at once until there was nothing left inside of me. Nothing but emptiness. She had been right all along. You can’t tie your boat to a sinking ship. And before I realized it, she had me drowning, right along with her.

Maybe I wasn’t the solution. No matter how hard I worked to be her glue, to hold her together. Maybe that’s what love is. Letting go, when they need to find their own footing in the water. Maybe me drowning along with her, sinking into the darkness by her side, isn’t what she needed at all. Maybe I’ll never know how to be the one holding the rope she’s already let go of.

This girl, she shook me to the core, while I watched her, just try to exist, as she faded into the background. She’ll never know her significance, or how deep her footprints really go.

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