Here you are, sitting on the same bar stool with that half smirk, that always meant you had something sly on your mind. With the worn out tee you wore so well. Summer skin, tinting your face. The same bar stool at our favorite bar. The one we frequented often. The one that I finally gave into you at. When we decided sharing each other with others was out of the question.
It’s unfortunate, that how I felt that day, frozen in this faded picture, in this time, will never come about again.
They say you never love any two people the same way. So, if it was love that I had felt for you, that feeling is gone forever. The emptiness of this concept pains me. Not because you’re gone, but because something that took the numbness away is gone, entirely.
These days, I find myself grasping at everything, anything really, to fill the void. Any kind of feeling at all. I don’t think about you as often as I had. Now the thought passes as soon as it comes. I find the glue has dried, and the little tugs of the past don’t pull me apart anymore.
I used to think I held on to that sadness for as long as I could, just to feel that connection to you. But in reality, perhaps, I was holding on to the fact I had nothing left to lose. I was intoxicated with the pain. The raw, twinge that life would hand me. Nothing made me feel more human. A feeling the numbness kept from me, for so long.
It’s a comforting feeling, being at the bottom, with no more ground to fall out from under you. Where you are, is where you’ll stay.
I clung to the sadness. But these days, it’s different. These days, there’s no caged sadness. There’s no caged emotion at all. The waves of happiness, sadness, what be it, comes as fast as it goes. Just as the thought of you.
It’s disheartening to think, a feeling so strong, so intense, can over time, become just a slight distraction for just a fraction of time.