I loved him. I will always love him. He’ll forever live in my bones. And when he crosses my mind, I’ll gently smile, and remember the lightness I felt around him, even long after his face fades from my memory. His ghost will always linger. And I’ll welcome it from time to time. Just for a little while longer. But soon… Soon I’ll have to ask him to leave. Because I can only live in this haunted house for so long, before I have to turn off the lights and go to sleep.
I spent the better half of my 20s chasing ghosts. But who knew loneliness could come in the form of people.
You look at me with the same worn-out urge, and the world falls silent. I’ll beg you to lay down, one last time. Let me draw a map on your skin. I’ll connect all the dots. All of the ins and outs of our twisted, intricate, worlds colliding. Folding and unfolding. I never would have pulled at that loose string, had I known it would be the start of the unraveling. If I stitch a little faster, can I buy us more time? I wish to tangle myself into you, but the distance grows. And I know that you now, are just still pictures. Motionless, light-less, and anything but here. And I will retreat, back into myself, defeated, sewing my chest closed. Here I will wait, a deaf and dumb audience, waiting for the flood of something familiar. And I will drown in it.
You’re just as much a part of this broken heart as I am. Do you even feel it?
I learned early, that people will break my heart. Sometimes without even knowing it. Sometimes intended. And now that I’m older, I may still not know the difference, but I’ve learned from those mistakes. So I stay guarded. I keep to myself. And instead, I break my own heart.
I can only hope that one day, I will find meaning for this pain, for this ache, and for this longing. And to not find it’s for something that doesn’t exist. Or perhaps, that will only exist long after I.
I took pieces of me, wrapped them up into pretty little words, and handed them to you. Displeased, you asked for more. But all that was left of me, was to heavy to give. And so, you took what you had, unsatisfied and untouched, leaving me with my own darkness.
Please forgive me for what I still lack.